from the time i was about fourteen until i was twenty, death was definitely a companion of mine. the thought of being dead or dying was always there, lingering in the back of my head.
i felt like i couldn’t handle all of the emotions in my head and i truly believed that everyone’s life would be better if i wasn’t there pushing my mental chaos onto them.
i never thought that i would be able to move past those feelings and i constantly felt that no matter what i was doing to help myself, i was staying stagnant. i don’t remember the day that i starting choosing life, but it wasn’t just like one day i woke up and everything was better for me.
i think that it started with being okay with what i looked like, whether being fat was all in my head or not. i had this realization that this was the only body i was going to be given in this life, and while i might not give a fuck now, i knew there was a time where i was going to care about the well being of myself and my body.
the first step i took was to quit smoking. i smoked cigarettes when i started feeling hungry so that i didn’t have to eat. somewhere in my logic, i thought that by starving myself it would make me skinnier or help me feel better about myself. but all smoking cigarettes was doing to me, was putting a weight on my chest and distributing a toxin throughout my spine.
devan really was who helped me quit smoking. he looked at me while we were driving home from idaho, and asked me what the first step to following my dream was. i told him to quit smoking and from that day on he encouraged me and held my hand along the way of giving up cigarettes.
after quitting smoking cigarettes, it was crazy how much more depressed i was. all of my thoughts stemmed from something dark, something vibrating on a low frequency. i felt worse about my body and my physical appearance.
then a helping hand was extended to me. she told me that going to the gym would help how i feel about myself and more importantly how my body felt. she told me to trust her and go to the gym with her one time. as much as i wanted to say no, i let go of my fear, and went to the gym.
the first time i went to the gym, i was very uncomfortable because i was worried people were going to look at me while i was getting sweaty. but, i continued to go to the gym and at first, it was because i wanted my body to look sexy. i wanted to feel sexy. i ended up losing about 40 pounds and i felt great. i loved working my body out and feeling sore but energetic after.
soon working out became about taking care of my body because when i wouldn’t work out is the only time that my back or other parts of my body would hurt. when i was working out, i craved healthy foods and the best part, is that my mental state was happier.
simply from just working out, my mental state was better. i felt like that was the first domino into realizing that i choose how i feel and how i want to be. allowing my body and mind to have a relationship where the coexist in harmony CHANGED MY LIFE.
i now think about what i put into my body and how it will effect it because i want my body to be healthy. you are composed of your physical body, your soul, and your mind; and in order to be healthy all of those aspects of you have to be healthy.
choosing to be happy and healthy is choosing to live, to truly live. i’m so happy to finally be choosing life!!