my first step to enlightment

i remember the night i realized what my first step to enlightenment was: to love myself. at the time, the idea sounded absolutely absurd but it was really logically my only choice. i had come to the realization that i was always going to be in this physical vessel and i was always going to be alexis. i had just woke up from a long slumber that was the result of me eating a 60 day supply of bipolar medicine and trying to slice my wrists with a box cutter.

i remember what brought me to that point in my life but as i was getting tired, rogue with her face on my lap, i realized that i didn’t have to be the alexis that everyone thought i was. the emotional, raging, unstable alexis. i was unpredictable, you never knew how i was going to react to what you had to say. i was mean, violent. i was full of so much negative energy that it was the energy that i put out into the universe. instead, i could be the alexis that rogue thought i was. in rogue’s eyes i was all that and some mother fucking tacobell.

but, i was angry, and i had every right to be. no one deserves to be abused or neglected no matter how big of a “problem child” they are, i understood that concept. yet, on some deep down level i hadn’t applied that to my own situation. i let the words, “you’re fat” “you’re stupid” “you’re crazy” all linger in my head. i let those rule my life up until the point that i tried to kill myself.

once i woke up and i saw those big, sleepy eyes open on rogue-i was so happy i was alive. i was her entire world, if i died she would be so sad. as stupid as it sounds, i decided that i wanted to live because of my dog. i changed my entire life so that my dog would never have to not live without me. holding little rogue in my arms, i knew that i needed to change my lifestyle. i needed to stop hating myself, there were enough people going against me. someone needed to be on my side. i knew i couldn’t make anyone always be on my side, i don’t control anyone. so it looked like i was stuck with myself.

the only person that was ever ALWAYS going to be stuck with me is me. and that’s exactly what i needed-someone who would never abandon me. from that point on i’ve nourished my soul and learned to love my physical vessel. it’s was a long hard chapter but learning to love myself and realize that i matter things have just been going up for me and they’ll keep going up.

the first step to enlightment was so hard and i thought that i could never do it. but, now that i’ve come and conquered, i will always swear by self love. loving yourself changes the energy you put out into the universe a positive one because you choose it to be, because you deserve to have the best life because you’re trying your best.

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