another chapter written

another chapter of my life is coming to an end, and wow. what a chapter it’s been.

i went through my first break up, rerooted my entire life, tried to kill myself, got deathly ill, and came out on top. it was probably the hardest chapter of my life. i was so miserable, but it was only because i was letting myself make myself miserable. i had this deep, uncontrollable sadness inside out of me that kept me from leaving my house or doing really honestly anything.

i couldn’t find my way out of this funk and i cried to my homies, in hope that they would have the “thing” that i needed to hear to get my shit together. each conversation with each one of my “spiritual family members” was different but after i had talked to them all and i was reflecting  on the things i heard, the one thing every conversation had in common was me saying, “i don’t know why i’m being like this, i know logically i have no reason to be this way, but i can’t help it. my thought process is fucked up.”

once i not only said that statement once, but to all of the people who i love, respect, and cherish – i realized that i was causing/creating my own misery. i sat around and beat myself up for being “fat”, “ugly”, “mean”, “worthless”. i convinced myself my friends, the people who choose to spend their time with me, didn’t like me. thinking back on it, it was truly awful. i ripped myself apart until i was a fragile, insecure little human.

after realizing it was in my own head, every time a negative thought that went through my head that was the opposite of what i didn’t want, i tell myself to stop and think about how that wasn’t truly what i wanted for myself and my life. eventually i stopped having the negative thoughts, and my mind was kind of blank. if i was going to stop thinking negative thoughts that i’ve been thinking my whole life, what was i going to think of now? now, i’m currently training my brain to fill my head with thoughts of positivity not only for myself but for everything that has the spirit of life inside of it.

giving myself the ability to recognize something i don’t like in my life, whether it’s myself or some external source, and either changing it within myself or removing the external source was probably the second best thing i did for myself in this chapter. in doing this, i’ve become even less angry than i once was, and i’m becoming more secure about myself and my place on planet earth and in that i’m learning to love myself even more than when this chapter started. i made so many mistakes, and bad choices, i missed so many great opportunities, but that’s life. i came out on top in this chapter, i’m one step closer to unconditional love for myself and therefore the world.

becoming positive is still a work in progress but i know by the time this chapter closes in my book, i’ll be positive and ready to write this next chapter of my life in my favour and self enlightenment.

the best thing i did for myself in this chapter was find what i call my “spiritual family”. i’ve spent my entire life asking for a family that understood me and loved me for who i was, and wow have i found it. these are the people i’m going to grow old with and experience the best times of my life with. gunnar, chris, tasty, jake, ian, chloe, alley, kramer, aaron, jose, rend, bree, codie, devan, and katie are my immediate spiritual family – and i couldn’t have asked for or gotten better. i’m so grateful for them and my extended spiritual family, not to mention the family i was born into (minus a few).

as this chapter ends, i’ll be moving into a new home with a new car (thanks grandma<3) and a job i love. things aren’t just looking up, they’re going in a better direction and will continue going in that direction until i’ve done what i’ve come here to do – change the world.

–lexo

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